If humans had signs

I read a post the other day that said the writer had been in a car following another car, that had been learning to drive manual.  They had put a sign in the back window to alert other drivers they were still learning and could be a little slower than normal.

The poster made the observation that it would be so good if humans had signs too, so we could know what was going on in other people’s lives and could act accordingly.

This made me think, that realistically, I should be trying to act nicer to people regardless of whether I can see their ‘sign’ or not.

This also made me wonder, how would others act if they could see my sign? Today was a prime example of this. I was wishing with all my might that the world could see my sign.

I don’t consider myself to be a sufferer of anxiety. For the most part - a good 99% of the time- I am a balanced, happy human being. 

Yet today, today was a whole different ball game.

Every so often, out the blue, something will pop up and floor me. Send me for a loop, spinning off into the galaxy.  Today was one of those days.

From the crazy ass dream I had, to the fact I somehow lost an hour between getting up and needing to be at work (meaning I was stressed about being late and I hate being late!) to the overwhelming feeling of not wanting to do anything but crawl back into bed and start the day over.

Today was rough.

So what would my sign have said today?

Today my sign would have said “trying my best to not have a breakdown, please give me some space.” My sign would have said “ I do not have the energy to babysit you through life today- grow a pair and adult for yourself!” My sign would have said “ please stop assuming because I am your bartender I am also your therapist- I just want to serve you drinks.” My sign would have said “ will not suffer fools gladly today, cross at your own risk.”

Granted, several people asked how I was today, and probably a couple of them actually, genuinely cared. But how do you explain to them what is going on in your head or your body when you don’t really understand it yourself? That this is just how you woke up feeling today, and nothing can shake it. 

How do you explain that everything you do today has a sense of urgency- for no apparent reason, other than your body is in that mode and you HAVE to get these limes squeezed, the coffee made and the fridge stocked like Armageddon is imminent! All whilst smiling and not actually giving into the feeling of wanting to bawl your eyes out in a corner.

How do you explain to them the fact that the guy wanting a drink, who decided to make you walk the entire length of the bar to come to him, rather than meeting you in the middle, actually nearly wore his pint because this one small action pissed you off so much! 

You can’t- it sounds crazy just writing it. 

Add to this the fact that 90% of your coworkers happened to be male, and the mere thought that you mention you are having an off day but cant really explain how,  is likely to be met with PMS comments or awkward jokes, and suddenly it is far far easier to say nothing!

Yet these thoughts, and many more entered and whirled around my brain today for a significant period of time.

I felt like crying, like shouting and like smashing things- none of which is my normal self at all.  I wanted to crawl into a ball and wake up feeling better. But I didn't.  I kept my shit together and got on with my day. Because humans don't have signs and no one had a fucking clue what I was going through today. And when no one has a reason too, they don't act any different to normal.  And all I wanted today was to feel normal. 

So this is for everyone, whether you can relate or not, to take a moment and think- if humans had signs what would yours say today? And what would your colleagues/friends/families say? 

#bemoreaeware #mentalhealthawareness